Auburn University Jokes

 (Friends don't let friends go to Auburn)

Page last updated on Sunday, August 05, 2001

	Auburn Tigers 2001 Football Schedule September 11.....Honeysuckle Middle School 18.....Cub Scout Troop 101 25.....Alabama Blind Academy October 2......Spanish American War Vets 9......Crippled Childrens Home 16.....St Cloud Home for Wayward Girls 23.....Girl Scout Troop 469 30.....Columbus VD Clinic 43 November 6......Montgomery Boys Choir 13.....Korean War Amputees 20.....VA Hospital Polio Patients 27.....Utopia Gay Boys of SF RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR: 1. When playing the polio patients, the Tigers must not disconnect leg braces. 2. When playing the girl scouts, the Tigers must not eat their cookies. 3. When playing the blind academy, the Tigers must not hide the football under their jerseys. 4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, the Tigers must not file any protests about players with one leg being hard to tackle. RULES SAME AS LAST YEAR: 1. A touchdown, (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for you Tiger fans), is still worth 21 points for the Tigers. 2. The Tigers will play with 27 men on the field. 3. The Tigers will be allowed to use band members for substitutes. 4. The Tigers will be allowed 20 time-outs. 5. A first down for the Tigers is 3 yards.
	A man takes his  wife, (who use to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!" So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"
	An Auburn man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
	Q. What is the difference between an Auburn Fan and a puppy? A. Puppys eventually stop whining.
	An Auburn City lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer livin' outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
	It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Auburn?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
	Talking to athletic director David Housel, "Dave, I need a raise," Tommy Tubberville pleaded.     "Hell, Coach," he shrugged, "We just hired you, and you  make more money than the entire English department. How can I justify giving you a raise?"     "I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach replied, opening   the office door and calling in Demontray Carter, the team's star tailback. "Son,"  the coach said to the player, "run over to my office and see if I'm  there."     "Sure, Coach."  Twenty minutes later, the winded athlete returned. "No, sir, Coach,"     he panted, "you ain't there."     Thanking the player and sending him back to practice, the coach turned  to the Housel and asked, "Now do you understand?"     "I sure do," he agreed. "The dumb sob could have phoned."
	An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million."  To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."  The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."   Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.  The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

One year when the Tigers were having the Annual Auburn Meeting (where the freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors of Auburn get together) in a cow pasture,  the Senior Class President started a speech. He was interrupted by a Alabama man which came over the hill  and yelled "Auburn Sucks!" The Senior Class President said to the freshmen "Get that guy." The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the freshmen got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent. The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Tigers are stupid!" The Senior Class President said to the sophomores "Get that guy." The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the sophomores got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent. The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Fans are a bunch of fags!" The Senior Class President said to the rest of them "Get that guy." The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the juniors and seniors got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent.

One of the seniors came crawling back and said "It was a trick, there were two of them."

An Auburn student  wanted to join the College baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the student eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the student came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Auburn Student said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the student, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Auburn Student. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the Auburn Student sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...." An Alabama Fan is driving with an Auburn Fan as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Auburn Fan if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Auburn Fan steps out and stands in front of the car. The Alabama Fan turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?" To which the Auburn Fan responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

Upset about losing his Job at Auburn, Terry Bowden was rushed to the Emergency room after attempting suicide by drinking a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill Wine and swallowing a hand full of Nitroglycerin pills.   When asked about the bruises on his head and check, he said they were from running into the wall in an attempt to make the Nitro explode.

	An Auburn Football Player and his date are walking along in a park. His date says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The Auburn Player stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
	The Auburn Cheerleader reported for her  final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.  Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
	An Auburn Cheerleader came home and complained of the high gas prices. And furthermore, she was really tired of having to by 'that old gas'. "I always have the buy the gas from '87, it's all I can afford. It would really be nice to be able to buy some of the newer gas, like the '89 or even the '91. As a matter of fact, I was wondering: Why haven't they made any gas since 1991?"

Huntsville, AL(AP) Little hero

Contributed by Nancy, visit her  Bubblicious Family Page

   Two boys are playing football in Big Springs Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.  Thinking quickly, the other  boy rips off a board of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.   A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who was strolling by
sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.  "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.  "But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.
  "Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you  were."   said the reporter and starts again.   "Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he  continued writing in his notebook.   "I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said.  "I assumed everyone in the Area was either for Bama or Auburn.  What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.  "I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said.  The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Hillbilly Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Prison Escape

Contributed by Wayne Grantham

An Alabama football player and an Auburn player were both in jail the night before the big game.  The Alabama player said" Man we have to get out of here so we can play tomorrow.  The Auburn player said "If we only had a ladder we could climb our the skylight.  The Bama player said we
don't have a ladder but I have a flashlight.  I'll turn on the light, shine the beam out the skylight and you can climb up the beam out the skylight and unlock the door.  The Auburn player said "No"!  Why asked the  Bama player?  I'm afraid I'll fall said the Auburn player. How will you do that said the Bama player?  If the batteries go dead or you turn off the light I won''t have anything to hold on to!

Mistaken Horse Identity

Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" the first Auburn guy asked.

"Easy," replied the second. "We'll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off yours."

By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. "Now what are we going to do?" asked the first.

The second replied, "Well, why don't you just take the black one and I'll take the white one."

Auburn Crooks

Some Auburn Crooks decide to rob a bank.  After several days of planning
they agree on the best plan.  The next day they get to work and are able to
get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.

Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit
boxes and start to work on them immediately.  They drill and pry open the
first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The head Auburn Crook says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."  So they
eat the pudding.  They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box
and there sits another pudding.

They decide to devour it too.  Determined to find the goods, the process
continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have
been opened.  They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head Crook said "Well, at least they left something for
us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest
sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people".

Stupid Wife

A Georgia, Florida, and Auburn Grad were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Georgia Grad, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Florida Grad agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17, 000 on a new car," he laments, "...and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Auburn Grad nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Panama City.  I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!

Train Ride

There was an Alabama Student, an Auburn Student and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train going through California. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Alabama Student were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Auburn Student had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Auburn Student was thinking:

'The Alabama fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Auburn fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Alabama Student and got slapped for it.' And the Alabama Student was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Auburn bastard again.'

Road Crew

A Farmer sitting on his porch noticed an Auburn University  truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck.

Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half-dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doin'?" he asked.

"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."

Great Escape

Two Auburn Police officers were chasing a car which was heading toward the Georgia state line at a high rate of speed. Just as the bad guys reached the Georgia state line, their car ran out of gas -- so they jumped out, ran across into Georgia, and just started walking down the highway.

The Auburn Police car came to a screeching halt at the state line. One of the two officers exclaimed, "Damn it! We'll never catch 'em now -- they done got an hour's lead on us!"

Vegas

An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan went to Las Vegas on vacation to play the slots. The 2 friends decided to split up and see which machines were working best. When the 2 friends met at the end of the day, the Alabama fan had broke even, but the Auburn fan was loaded down with quarters. The Bama fan asked him how he did it. The Auburn fan said he found a machine that would give you 4 quarters every time you put a dollar in it!

YALE!

An Auburn student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where do you go to school at?" The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Auburn student takes a big deep breath and says again, "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AT!?"

One Liners

Q : What is the method of birth control on the Auburn campus?

A : Putting an X on the cows that kick!

Q : What does the average Auburn player get on his SAT?
A : Drool

Q : Do you know why AU fans wear orange?
A : That way they can go straight from the deer stand, to the road crew, to the ball game and never have to change clothes.

Q : How can you tell an Auburn coyote?
A : He's chewed off three legs and he is still in the trap.

Q : How do you come to own a small business in Alabama?
A : Start a large business and put an Auburn grad in charge of it.

Q : How do you know the tooth brush was invented at Auburn University?
A : If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Q : Why don't Auburn fans fart?
A : Their mouths are never closed long enough to build up any pressure!

Q : What do they call duct tape in Auburn?
A : Chrome!

 Why do Auburn Students go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
 --- Nobody admitted 17 and under.
 
 What do you get when you have 32 Auburn Football Players in the same room?
 --- A full set of teeth.
 
 A new law was passed in Auburn recently.
--- When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
 
Two Auburn Farmers are walking down different ends of a street toward
each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Bo, what'cha got in th' bag?"
--- "Jus' some chickens.
--- "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
--- "I'll give you both of them."
--- "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
 
An Auburn Professor came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
--- "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
--- "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
 
The Auburn Football player and an Auburn Cheerleader were making out in the front seat of the car.
---"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
 --- "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
--- "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
 
> An Auburn Student was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The student noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front  seat and asked, "What are those things for?"
--- The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive."
--- "Boy," exclaimed the Auburn Student, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"
 
 Did you hear that the Auburn University President's mansion burned down?
--- Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Horse Riding Accident

An Auburn football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it in time!

New Mercedes

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told her "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the *@ radio to work." 
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff. 
He got back into the car and said "Country music", and old Willie started singing. "Rock and Roll", he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening", he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. 
He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. 
"Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. 
The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown Auuuuubbbbuuurrrnnnnn!!!!"

Bad Lunch

A Florida, Tennessee and an Auburn student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Auburn. The Florida student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!" 
The Tennessee student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!" 
Lastly the Auburn student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!" 
The next day the Florida student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Tennessee student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Auburn student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well. 
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Florida mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Tennessee mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Auburn mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"

Auburn Entrance Exam - Football Edition

Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
   1. build a bridge
   2. sail the ocean
   3. lead an army or
   4. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
   1. Jewish
   2. Catholic
   3. Hindu
   4. Polish
   5. Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
   1. Westerners
   2. Southerners
   3. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
    1. Macy's
    2. a 7-11
    3. Canada
    4. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    1. yes
    2. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    1. New York
    2. Florida
    3. Canada
    4. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    1. B.C.
    2. A.D.
    3. still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify