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Beer Rules

Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

University is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!

Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.

Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.

What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

Only consume alcohol on days ending in "Y!"

The shortest distance between two points is off the wall

Two is company, three is an orgy.

My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.

Woltman's Law:

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can:

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

There is no such thing as a short beer. (As in, "I'm going to stop off at Joe's for a short beer before on the way home.")

Always store beer in a dark place.

Beer on The Job

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:

Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass

That damn pink elephant followed you home again

You're as jober as a sudge

The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering

You fall off the floor

You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up

99 reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. hangovers eventually go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down gently.

17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come.

22. You can have a beer in public.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

32. Beer looks the same in the morning.

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

36. Beer doesn't get cramps.

37. Beer doesn't have a mother.

38. Beer doesn't have morals.

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

40. Beer always listens and never argues.

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

44. Beer doesn't demand legality.

45. Beer is never overweight.

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

53. Beer never changes its mind.

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

55. Beer never asks you to change the station.

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

59. Beer is always easy to pick up.

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.

62. Beer NEVER says no.

63. Beer is easy to get into.

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.

71. Beer doesn't blow you off.

72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

75. A beer won't make you go to church.

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig

83. A beer will never make you see its parents

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer never watchs opera.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes good.

96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

How to Know you've Drunk Too Much 

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

Beer Q and A

Q: whats the difference between a Indian sqaw and a Indian Princess?
A: about 5 beers

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.

Thoughts on Beer and Drinking

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. (Frank Zappa)

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. (Ernest Hemmingway)

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. (Winston Churchill)

He was a wise man who invented beer. (Plato)

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. (Catherine Zandonella)

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill)

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. (David Daye)

Work is the curse of the drinking class. (Oscar Wilde)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin )

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. (Deep Thought, Jack Handy)

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. (David Moulton)

People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. (Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI)

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. (Kaiser Welhelm)

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. (Homer Simpson)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry )

I drink to make other people interesting. (George Jean Nathan)

They who drink beer will think beer. (Washington Irving)

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. (For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin)

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. (Homer Simpson)

Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?