Thirteen Things Dogs Don't Understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice woofing at 3am.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's soaking wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE HELL UP!" means just that.
5. The cat has every right to be in the sitting room.
6. Crapping on the carpet is not something deserving of a biscuit.
7. Barking at guests ten minutes after they've arrived is stupid.
8. No, we said SIT!
9. I know it's a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up DOESN'T mean I am going to take you for a walk.
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm NOT going to give in and feed you. NO. NO. Oh, ok. just this once.
13. No it's my chocolate ... Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Bilingual Dog

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face, and said, "Meow."

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?? Somersaults. "Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it!"

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
 "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" 
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother playing chess with their dog. "Amazing!" 
she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," 
her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far."

Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pitbull!!!

Q. Why do you say Rex is a carpenter dog?
A. Last night, he made a bolt for the door.

Q. What do you do if a horny pitbull is humping your leg??
A. FAKE AN ORGASM!

Q. Two fleas were coming out of the movies, and it's raining very hard outside. 
One flea goes to the other, what are we going to do?
A. Should we walk or wait for a dog?

Q. What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat" ?
A. It's raining cats and dogs...

Q. How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A. Freeze it and cut it in two with a chainsaw: "mmmmeeeeoooowwwww!"

Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A. Soak it in gasoline and throw a lit match on it: "woooof!"

The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives
 no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no In-Laws.

Two guys walkin' down the street. they see a dog lickin' it's nuts. first
guy says, "gee, i wish i could do that". second guy says, " don't you
think you should pet it first?" 

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards.
 He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put 
to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a 
million dollars."  "Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.

A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his 
dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off
 the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks "excuse me sir, can
 I help you?" the blind man answers "no thanks, I'm just looking around".

A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. 
High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmation. The youngsters wondered
about the dog's function. One said, "He brings the firemen good luck."

A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work."

A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fireplug!"

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out
 a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow,
 Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch
 the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is
 surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching
 the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits,
 drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. 
After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really 
seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

A guy went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a 
dog named Gofer. Next year the guy returned and asked for Gofer again. "The hound
 ain't worth a damn anymore!" the handler said. "What happened?" asked the guy. 
"He get hurt?" "No. Some fool came down here and called him 'Boss' all week 
instead of Gofer. Now all he does is sit on his butt and bark."

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; 
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed 
a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a 
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."