• Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read. 
  

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the man asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him,"Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"

•  A man and his wife who played a lot of golf together and competed very aggressively with each other were having dinner on their 30th anniversary.
  
  He said, "Honey, there's something I want to tell you. I had an affair many years ago. It was a very brief thing but I wanted to tell you and get it off my chest." She said, "Thank you for telling me that and since you did there's something I want to tell you too. I had a sex-change operation before we were married."
  
  Well, he went ballistic, ranting and raving "How could you?" etc., etc. She was shocked, saying, "Dear, what's the matter? It was so long ago and it didn't affect our relationship-you would never have known."
  
  He glared at her and yelled, "All these years you've been playing those ladies' tees"!
  
• There was husband and wife playing golf. The wife took honors and took her tee shot. Her husband desperate to win back the honors, couldn't wait for his wife to clear the tee box and took his turn. He ended up hitting his wife with the golf ball.
  
  The medics arrived and took her away to the hospital. The doctor came out and asked the husband "What happened?". The husband replied, "I was teeing off and accidently hit my wife with a golf ball".
  
  Then the doctor says "That explains the big knot on her temple" and continued "how do you explain this" as he lifted the sheets showing the husband a golf ball stuck in her butt.
  
  The husband said "Oh that was my mulligan!"

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10.  Nuts....my shaft is bent.
9.   After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8.   You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7.   Look at the size of his putter.
6.   Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5.   Mind if I join your threesome?
4.   Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.   Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.


Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are talking one day.  Nicklaus
turns to  Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says:  "Not too bad, the latest album
has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I  need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says:  "But I thought you were blind, how can you play  golf if you are blind?" He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of   the fairway
and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and  play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further
down the fairway and again I play the  ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball  towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."

Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie,
"We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies:  "Well people don't take me seriously so
I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK,  I'm up for that-when would you like to play?"

"I don't care-any night next week is ok with me."

Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di??
A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.


After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.  "My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.   "No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."


• During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
  
• Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. "Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.  Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."
  
• Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious  golfer.  "It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"
  
• A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
  
• Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded. You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.  "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
  
• The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed.   Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his drive hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.  At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost - his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for the second "gottcha?"
  
• The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.  The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.  The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.   The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.     As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?" The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.
  
• Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.   Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults." Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
  
• It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his  pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the  Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the  interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"  Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the  clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
  
• Two Auburn U. golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the  flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the  second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the  cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. They decide to ask the course pro to decide their fate.   After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,  "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"
  
• A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bore down on the ball and right in the middle of his back swing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our golfer said "yes, she ran into the woods". The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "hey, what's going on"? The guy explained, "you see we work at a sanitarium nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and make love". The golfer then asked, "well what's the bucket of sand for??? and the guy in the white coat said, "Oh that's my handicap, you see I caught her last time!!