Country Preacher...

Feed the Cow

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Trains and God

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."  Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."  Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"  God replied, "Certainly, just a second."

And on the Seventh Day

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

Adam & Eve

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create." So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvey and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiney, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."

The Confession

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy"?"Yes father, it is I. "Who was the woman you were with?" I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? No, father. "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" No, father. "Was it Ann Brown?" No, father, I cannot tell you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins". "Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys". Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

The Catholic Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Pope's Discovery

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!"

"Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!"

Welcome to the Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"  The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"  The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?""No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."