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The Night Before a Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was
hung
over the space heater
with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with
Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo
Clusters,
Moon Pies, and
Milkyway's.
And Earlene in her
curlers
and me in my Earnhardt
cap,
had just settled into
our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune
and a nap.
Then out in the
vacant lot
I heart such a
commotion,
I thought it was
neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird
in motion.
I heaved out of my
recliner
and to the window I
flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole
Blue.
The moon was shinin
down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was
sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't
believe
by own hardworkin'
eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy
pickup
come flyin' through the
sky!
Faster'n Ole
Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and
hollered
and called 'em by name:
"Git up
Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller
and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and
Bud!"
"To the top of
the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on
it!
Ya'll get out the
lead!"
You know how on our
old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the
sky?
That's how this
crew
went straight on up to
my roof,
with that pickup full
of toys,
a real nice gun rack,
and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could
pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums
of his'n.
I yanked my head
back in the trailer
and hitched up my
shorts,
Down the dryer vent
Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a
snort!
He was dressed in
red-and-green camo
from his neck to his
feet,
and I had to give him
credit
he still had most of
his teeth.
Looked like stuff
from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters
an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin'
out of his pack.
When he winked his
eye
I knew fer sure he'd
treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo
tonight!
I stood there
dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him
work,
then he stopped and
like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our
stockin's
with Moon Pies and
bottle rockets,
then squoze up that
dryer vent
like Spam in your
pocket.
He jumped in his
pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with
their possum tails flyin'.
But I heerd him
holler
as he headed for the
7-11,
"Merry Christmas
to all!
And may all rednecks
get into heav'n!"
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